Review – Bite Marks

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Bite Marks is one of those films that won’t let you forget what it is. It wants to let you know, no matter how hard you try to forget, mind you, that it is all about the gay. I mean it really crams it down your throat.. literally… there is like a hella-long blowjob sequence… just…unnecessary. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not homophobic. I have no problem with homosexual themes in a story… BUT… I need to be eased into it… a little Enya… a hot drawn bath… some of those apple cinnamon candles from Yankee Candles… maybe a nice trip to Crate and Barrel… wait, wait.. you know what I’m saying. Bite Marks seems so caught up in flying the rainbow banner that the horror movie itself is nothing more than a wrapper for the theme. To be honest, its not really a waste. Were Bite Marks actually a film that took its craft as seriously as its orientation, I might be disappointed by the route they choose for their message. As it stands, there is little that Bite Marks offers besides its singular novelty. The crux of the joke is in its delivery. Billed as a horror/comedy, Bite Marks could benefit from some hefty editing as some of the one liners are so horribly delivered that we never get a full appreciation of the script. There are some real groaners here (that’s not another gay reference either) and most of the fault lies with our second lead, Vogel (David Alanson). Vogel is either just a really bad actor or an actual off-the-street gay walk-on. Either way, every word outta his mouth jettisons you from the scene and brings the movie to a grinding halt. Top billed Windham Beacham brings a little talent to the picture but is assaulted with such random awfulness that it feels he is literally fighting his way out of this movie. Oh, the vampires? Apparently they just like the smooth eighteen wheel comfort of riding trailer side in semis… because… THEY HAVE NO OTHER AGENDA. These vampires are so unbelievably slow and without purpose that the real threat here would be some energy drinks and a side of lab quality amphetamines. I would actually try to explain the mirror “logistics” behind the vamps here, but the level of “give a shit” that I would have to employ far exceeds the level of intellect that I would hemorrhage out trying to do so.. and we all know thats a slippery slope. Suffice it to say, Bite Marks tries to make its own rules up, actually referencing movies’ ability to do so…sigh…yeah. In fact, its references that I find particularly insulting about this movie. Names are dropped left and right, and in such a fashion that you get the feeling that director is doing his best to get into the club. He even goes the extra mile by bringing scare vet Stephen Geoffreys (wait a second… looking at IMDB it also appears that Mr. Geoffreys played a pivotal part in the 1998 offering Guys Who Crave Big Cocks..hmmm) but with little success… Again, the attempt is here, but none of the elements ever come together to provide the laughs that the director was going for… the intentional ones. AVOID.

Written by
Ash Hamilton is not only the owner of, but also one of its major contributors. A long time horror movie enthusiast, Ash has lent his personality to radio and television and continues to support his favorite genre through his writing and art. He also loves beef jerky and puppies... and low-grade street-quality hallucinogens.

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