Skinamarink – Review?

Ok… let’s get right to it then. If you enjoy, nay if you love floors, ceilings, and doors, this is the film for you.  This movie boasts nearly two hours of grainy shots of someone’s dark house. I honestly don’t know what to say on this one. We may as well get on with it and see what happens.

Well this is where I would normally tell you what the movie is about? Sadly I can not. But, why you may ask. Oh, that is because there is absolutely no story. No plot. To make matters worse there is almost nothing even remotely interesting at all. It doesn’t stop there horror fans. Here’s the big reveal. It’s not scary. It was like watching an hour and forty minute virtual house tour, in the dark. 

So the next question I ask myself, was there any way this movie could have been good? Possibly. If in some alternate universe someone added a story. The things I keep seeing and hearing to describe this movie is; it’s a child’s nightmare or it’s a nightmare from the point of view of a child. I’m telling you people the scariest thing in this movie is legos on the floor where someone could step on them. That shit really hurts. 

How would I have done it? Easy. In the beginning of the film there is some very brief dialogue, it is almost even audible. You hear a screaming child and then are told from an off screen phone call that Kevin fell down the stairs but he should be ok. Here is the beginning of what could have been an interesting story. What should happen next, oh wise one? Kill the kid. Yes you read that correctly. Not on screen of course, because almost nothing in this film happens on screen. We would not find out he was dead until the end of the movie. The rest of the movie would be him haunting his house and the remaining people in it. You know, we pull a Sixth Sense. If you didn’t know that’s what happened in Sixth Sense, fuck you, it’s almost 25 years old. Nevermind, I don’t think even that would fix it. 

Really I don’t think anything could make this better. I watched it so you don’t have to. I’m angry because I ended up watching it a couple times just to write this all down. Normally this is where I would suggest you watch it for yourself. Not this time. Save your time. If you want to waste 2 hours, you could just watch paint dry. Actually that may have been in this movie… Watch the Outwaters. No, please don’t, it was just as bad. Until next time.