Sigh. I admittedly enjoyed the first Human Centipede. It had a mad scientist sorta vibe to it that broke the mold of modern “torture porn” horror films. That being said, I was still not a fan or advocate of the film. It was just a movie that despite its infamy, I still found to be a decent watch. When a proposed sequel was announced director Tom Six was VERY vocal about his intent to outdo the original. Now by “outdo” what Six was actually trying to say was, of course, “out-gross”. “Why not?”, I said. in a world where I had to watch good ole George Dubya address the masses for a solid 8 years, I had no problem with a second helping of cinematic ass-to-mouth. My next question of course was, “will he succeed?” The answer would be yes. Unfortunately, twenty minutes into the picture you fail to give any kind of shit (whether its explosive diarrhea or just the generic garden variety bm) about the depravity you have been guaranteed by our good friend Six to witness by the film’s conclusion. To say that Human Centipede 2 is a slow burn is to compare a flash fire to the waning life of a dying sun… the movie moves along at such a snail’s pace that it reinforces what we already know: this is about stapling someone’s mouth to the person’s ass in front of them and waiting for the inevitable… that’s it… that’s why we’re watching this. It’s a train careening towards Browntown and its set to assplode!!! This train, for purposes unbeknownst to us, limps along like a leper at a 5K. Six, for whatever reason, has also decided to put an arthouse spin on the production (black and white? really? because we need to see the sharp contrast of ass vs. mouth? This isn’t heart of darkness, Mr. Six. this could have been in color) but instead of it appearing more intimate and thus more disturbing, it just comes off as trite and unnecessary…AND… almost impossibly… MORE boring. **SPOILERS** Strangely, the only thing that offsets the film’s sluggish pace through the first 3/4 of its running time is the utter stupidity that moves it forward. We follow not a mad (but once brilliant) doctor, but a mentally handicapped dwarf, Martin. Martin has absolutely no semblance of an ordinary life. Manning the security booth at a parking garage, Martin spends his shift obsessively watching the first Human Centipede…(uh… waddasayboutdat?… yeah… this movie manages to try and come across as its own little piece of metafiction… that’s mighty white of it, dontcha think?) and fantasizing about doing his own little experiment involving TWELVE people…in.. yeah… another centipede. SO, Martin sets out to assemble his victims by knocking them over the head with a tire iron… yes, you heard me right… that’s the crux of Martin’s master plan.. a tire iron. With his menacing and intimidating frame, 4’9 with the physique of Paul Giamatti, Martin ACTUALLY FUCKING PULLS IT OFF. In the meantime, between overpowering people who all allegedly have the physical prowess of Stephen Hawking on muscle relaxers, Martin is attempting to bring the stars of the original film into his devious web in order to include them in his experiment. IMPOSSIBLE, RIGHT?!?!? I mean, Martin, for all we know isn’t even capable of human speech… oh, but apparently he has mad negotiating skills cuz guess what? He ACTUALLY FUCKING PULLS IT OFF. Yes, Martin actually manages to lure one of the film’s original stars to LONDON..OVERSEAS… to “audition” for a film, thus allowing her easy capture. HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT. Speaking of shit, remember our tribute to the noir films of yore? Our entire film is in black and white… with the exception of shit… presented in full glorious techni-brown. Yes, when Martin’s depraved plan is finally exacted, we are treated to a spray of vibrant…. brown. Which… is the exact taste Human Centipede 2 leaves in your mouth. NOT RECOMMENDED. 
Human Centipede 2 is currently available in select theaters and VOD from IFC films. Contact your local cable company for on demand information and availability. – Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
